not all that

Saturday, June 04, 2005

You see the thing is… he was fun. I know that everyone thought it was abusive and to tell you the truth, it was. There were all those mid-week nights when I would feel like I was in agony but then I’d light some virgin candles and throw the I-Ching and it would help me feel strong and in control and I would tell myself, “I can do this” as I tried to relax enough to fall asleep. It was the waiting and the not knowing that drove me crazy. But then he’d call and it would be instant ecstasy. It didn’t matter that it was one-thirty in the morning and he was drunk. He was fun. And as soon as I saw him he would smile, and grab a kiss, and flirt, and drink, and dance, and sing, and smoke, and every once in a while he would reach out and touch my hand, or kiss me, or wrap his arm around my waist and start swaying to the music. It wasn’t always sexual… maybe because I wanted it so bad, it didn’t feel like he was trying to get something from me…it was just this exquisite wait… the anticipation of what was about to happen was a huge part of the thrill, I think for both of us. I remember him referring to himself as dysfunctional and I remember wanting to reassure him and saying, “One woman’s dysfunction is another woman’s function”. I remember the way he smiled. It would have been one of those moments when he’d grab me and kiss me… Usually just once but it would be long and sweet and filled with passion and then he’d pull back and sigh and say something wonderful about me. We were just as slow in bed. I never met any man who was as willing to wait as he was. It was heavenly. I started thinking yesterday that I would like to teach a class to young men on how to please a woman…I could call it “Message from the Goddess”. It would be hard to market.

Yesterday I quit my job. It felt wonderful. Getting my new job felt even better. Just getting an interview felt awesome and scary. What if I hated this boss and these co-workers? Maybe I should just hang in for fucking ever with Iris constantly treating me like I’m fucking up and even when she tells me I’ve done a good job it sounds forced and passive, as if the credit really belongs to her but she’s placating her little minion by sharing it. I think that was the really loathsome quality about our relationship… she was “all that” and I wasn’t. Just like Woody used to act.

Last night, I told Sweet Pea and Pantherina that we three sisters really know how to put up with a tyrant. I felt Pantherina grow quiet. I knew she was thinking about Coyote and not the Bull. The Bull was long ago and now he’s gone and we all still love him so. But the Coyote is right there at her side, circling her doorway nightly and tormenting her to death. Sweet Pea recognized her man, too. It was harder for me to think of the Peregrine as a tyrant… it seems almost unimaginable because he’s so sweet, and soft, and self-effacing and wanting to be adored…and utterly unavailable.

I hoped he would call last night, but I didn’t bring the phone into my bedroom. It was already one thirty by the time I went to bed. I’d walked downtown to have a drink with Pixie and her husband. It felt great to sit outside and watch the fifty-something men try to pick up forty year-old, spent-women. At eleven thirty, I walked downtown to the Dame. I could hear Alejandro singing from the street. I stood in the open doorway and there he was up on the stage, dressed in a suit…looking beautiful and healthy with his big strong voice. I felt like I had the best seat in the house… but I felt guilty cause I wasn’t paying. I stood there staring at him through three songs, vowing to come back tonight and pay. Then I walked home. A block away from the Dame I saw a drunk young man throwing punches at the traffic. I realized the potential for danger ahead of me. I was almost to the edge of the campus when I saw a man with, two large bags of cans. I thought about crossing over to the bar-side of the street where the college kids were sitting outside on the patio, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and didn’t feel particularly scared. I heard him muttering as we passed each other, “people look like that”. I had no idea who or what he was referring to but it was totally unthreatening. By the time I reached the campus I felt home. The realization that I’m going to work there is like a dream come true. There just isn’t any reason to be scared.